Thank you for becoming popular despite being a complete average first baseman and letting us trade you for way more than you're worth.
Dear Doug Melvin,
Thank you for being a supergenius. Grow back your mustache.
Dear Shea Hillenbrand,
Thank you for not being a Brewer.
Dear Jose Capellan,
Do you realize that, effectively, we got you for Wes Obermueller and the right to NOT have Danny Kolb for his pumpkin season?
Dear Dan Kolb,
We don't like pumpkins. Please revert to prior form. KTHXBYE.